Dan and Phil, my gay theatre kid dads: theever-growing pressure for perfection in gay relationships

Just like every other alternative kid in the 2010s, I have been obsessed with Dan and Phil for the majority of my childhood and teenage years. For as long as I can remember, I’ve just felt an intrinsic pull towards the pair as I watched them grow bigger and bigger while I fell deeper into my obsession with them.

As a result, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that the hard launch of their relationship in October last year almost felt like a turning point in the trajectory of my own life. Every suspicion I- along with the rest of their fanbase- had been harbouring for the last fifteen or so years had been confirmed: my two favourite YouTubers were deeply in love. 

It certainly meant a lot to me as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, seeing representation for my type of love broadcast to such a large audience, but I think it meant even more to twelve-year old me. Watching them so freely admit their love to the world made the years of feeling out of place worth it; it even made suffering through their hiatus bearable, knowing they were truly in love behind the scenes.

Dan and Phil clearly mean a lot to me, but why? 

At the end of the day, no matter how much they make me laugh or how much hopeful representation they bring to my TV screen, I do not know these people. They are strangers. I only know what they have decided to share with me and the image they have constructed for the screen. I am in no way implying that away from the camera Dan and Phil are evil masterminds of some sort, but it is still important to emphasise that we do not truly know who they are and what their relationship is like.

It can be easy to fall into the trap of assuming perfection within a celebrity relationship. Society has been doing exactly that for decades, all the way back to the wives of the Beatles in the 1960s. We see glossy front-page pictures of beaming smiles and tight embraces, alongside clandestine kisses captured by paparazzi in back alleys and our brains fill in the gaps with notions of pure, uncomplicated love.

But behind closed doors, it is impossible to understand what truly occurs between society’s favourite picture-perfect couples. Madonna and Sean Penn, for example, appeared deeply in love for the duration of their four-year marriage in the 1980s. Madonna even referred to Penn as “the coolest guy in the universe” in the liner notes of her 1986 album True Blue. That apparent perfection was short-lived, however, as Penn’s explosive and violent relationship with the press descended into serious rumours of domestic abuse occurring within the relationship. Madonna has rejected allegations that Penn abused her, but the entire affair nevertheless serves as a reminder that we should not confuse public image with the reality of a relationship.

Having spent the last decade with my ear pressed close to the LGBTQ+ community across various social media platforms, I have noticed something else: society often seems to uphold same-sex relationships to a higher standard of perfection — and perhaps with a greater degree of parasocial investment — than their heterosexual counterparts. Among those who fully support queer relationships, social media can sometimes treat same-sex couples as though their relationships are somehow better than others, anticipating greater longevity, happiness and stability simply because of who they love.

Why this idea that same-sex relationships will always last longer than heterosexual ones has been creeping into the community I have absolutely no idea. A study from UCLA suggested that the inherent equality of same-sex relationships can pertain to them being more long-lasting. Male homosexual relationships furthermore are held even more likely to be successful long-term as men tend to overlook stressors, leading to the pair lasting even longer than other same-sex relationships. Despite these patterns noticed in studies, there is no concrete evidence within divorce rates to suggest that same-sex relationships scientifically last longer than their heterosexual counterparts.

Regardless of why social media has decided to push this label of perfection onto same-sex relationships, I am in no doubt at all that the pressure exists and it’s actually damaging these public facing couples to a certain extent. 

Having this ungrounded notion of perfection constantly forced onto you as a pair almost restricts you to acting within the confines of what social media has deemed acceptable for you. Taking YouTubers Dan and Phil as our example again, their partnership and now relationship has become absolutely central to their content over the last decade. It’s almost impossible to ascertain what their careers would become without the other to work with and bounce off, and I’m sure a select portion of their audience wouldn’t even bother finding out, should the pair decide to break up.

Social media personality Max Balegde has certainly felt the effects of this presumed happiness and longevity in his five-year relationship with boyfriend Andrew when their breakup became public just this week. Alongside an outpour of love for the content creator unsurprisingly came a great deal of shock and empathy.

It almost appeared as if his world couldn’t believe it; couldn’t comprehend that a couple seemingly so perfect had broken up. The pair didn’t even have the opportunity to announce the breakup themself as rampant rumours had destroyed any shred of privacy they wanted. In the first video Balegde made discussing the breakup, he recognised that “everyone would want an explanation”. This admittance just goes to show that social media would allow none of this so-called ‘drama’ to occur behind the scenes; it’s almost as if society feels owed the private details of what they went through simply because of the shock value of it all.

Balegde then went on to say he felt as if he is “failing” us in some way by terminating a relationship that, he acknowledges, meant so much in representation to the LGBTQ+ community. This immediate referral to his public position of representation amidst a time of sadness and quite frankly loneliness for Balegde demonstrates that same-sex relationships are forced to mourn their positive impact on the queer community as well as mourn what they’ve personally lost. 

He reiterates throughout the entire video that he just feels “sad” and “terrified” for what’s going to happen in the near future, as well as feeling as if he’s “losing his s**t”. Outside of the rampant homophobia still present in our world, same-sex relationships can often be seen as this never-ending beacon of happiness. After defeating the shame, anxiety, and fear that is often coupled with gay relationships, it is easy to assume that nothing can go wrong again as two people defy all odds with a declaration of love. Balegde’s personal response to the ending of his relationship reminds us that this is simply not true. Queer relationships can never be perfect, just as no other couples can be. 

It would be wrong to assume that from the moment of the first kiss, queer love will persist forever. It would be wrong to pressure public same-sex couples into conforming to perceived perfection. It would be wrong to not allow the messy side of homosexual love to be seen and to be acknowledged as normal.

 But it would also be wrong to assume that love cannot possibly persist in the face of hardship. Dan and Phil may never stay together forever, but for now it is beyond important that their love reminds queer kids that they truly are enough.