How to Be a Good Conversationalist

Have you ever talked to someone where the entire conversation felt like a job interview, and thought, “Wow, this conversation sucks”?

We like to presume that certain people — our popular, extroverted peers, or anyone who has caught on to social trends — are automatically irresistible conversationalists. But none of those qualities make someone instinctively good at conversation by default. Being a good conversationalist is rarely innate. It takes practice, and some experience, to leave someone walking away without thinking about how dry that coffee shop discussion was.

1. No one wants to hear your sob story.

Okay — in softer terms, the worst thing you can do is overshare. It is easy to talk about ourselves and our own interests, but that ease comes with a risk. When you speak about yourself constantly, what you say starts to lose value. Nine times out of ten, talking about how cute your puppy is will lead to the person next to you staring off into space.

It is not that you have nothing good to say. It is ironic, really, because people love talking about themselves. But to turn a conversation into something both people enjoy, start by asking questions about the other person. Get curious about their interests and who they are. By asking follow-up questions and letting them lead, you will find natural openings to connect your own hobbies and interests to theirs.

2. Have a goal, and take your time getting there.

Say you really want to talk about music. Opening with “what kind of music do you like?” will almost always get you the vaguest possible answer, or the generic “I like everything.” Pretty boring. It is also frustrating when music is the one thing you wanted to discuss with that particular person.

Having a goal means taking baby steps toward the topic instead of leaping at it. If you are talking to someone in a coffee shop, you might start with what they ordered, move to how often they come here, then to whether the playlist the shop always has on is any good — and suddenly you are talking about music.

The point is not to interrogate someone into a topic. It is to use natural stepping stones that make the conversation feel effortless.

3. Leave the crickets alone.

We have all had moments where we are itching to say something specific, but an awkward silence looms and makes talking feel even more intimidating. That feeling is universal, and it is okay. It is natural for conversations to have silence in them.

Silence is its own form of intimacy — a nonverbal communication between two people who are simply occupying space near each other. Let it happen when it happens, because trying to fill the void leads to rambling, and no one wants to hear someone yap about themselves.

4. Don’t be the kid with no hobbies.

Knowing a little about a lot is not only useful for becoming someone who can apply knowledge across different areas of life. It also makes for great conversation.

A conversation with someone who bed-rots and doomscrolls on TikTok all day will center on brainrot for about five minutes and then go nowhere. Compare that to someone who can draw on the podcasts they listen to, the books they have read, or a new place they visited. Those are experiences you can actually relate to someone else’s.

It is hard to build a connection over a random ten-second video that a million other people have also seen, and nearly impossible to branch off it if the person you are talking to has never seen it. But telling someone about a new restaurant you tried can turn into a conversation that moves from food to career to what you both want out of the future.

5. Literally, just be yourself (duh).

Humans love authenticity. I know that sounds outlandish when most people would rather fit in, but among all the people calibrating their interests and personalities to match everyone else’s, we eventually get tired of hearing the same thing — the same Spotify playlists, the same new trendy shoes, the same inside joke half the world already shares. People like encountering something new, and being yourself can leave a lasting impression on whoever you are talking to.

Conversations also get awkward fast when you are talking about something you do not actually know much about. But because it is trending on Instagram, you take on the challenge anyway. Very, very wrong move. You might say something inaccurate, the conversation starts to feel forced, and people can tell when you are not thinking for yourself. At that point, you just look performative.

So being a good conversationalist is more nuanced than it first seems.

And for all the introverts reading this: extroverts struggle too. At the end of the day, it comes down to exposure. It might feel like there are endless rules and regulations for holding a coherent conversation, but the more you talk to people, the more ways you pick up of understanding how humans communicate. Apply these five tips in your next conversation and, rest assured, you will have that person thinking, “Wow, this conversation was fire.”